Today's my 40th birthday.

I got a card from my dear friend Cheryl, who wrote, "Welcome to Big Girl World!" True enough.

I haven't posted in ages, but I did want to say a big Thank You to all my wonderful friends who gave me a stunning birthday bash on Saturday. I was touched and honored. My sweetheart Paul was moved that so many people cared so much for me, and I was ecstatic that I could share my friends with him - and him with them. Hugs to all ...

Just a little catch-up post, even though I just saw most of my LJ friends on Wednesday by crashing their Bear coffee once again! My sweetie Paul was here, and we spent Wednesday afternoon at Duke Gardens (thank you sun, for coming out one day last week, just for me!). Then as we were leaving the gardens, he said he'd love to get a cup of coffee. At 5pm on a Wednesday? Where else could we possibly go but to Broad St Cafe? So we wandered through High Strung for a few minutes, then had coffee (for him) and tea (for me) at BSC with a sloth of bears (don't be insulted, that's what a group of you is called). My buddies curtimack , chernocub , dan4behr , rtptodd , and snowboardjoe  were there, among many other illustrious personae. Paul's favorite take-away from the coffee visit was curtimack 's assessment of driving a Crown Vic in San Francisco: "Hey, it lands on all fours."

This was my shortest visit yet with Paul - less than 48 hours. He took a redeye flight Tuesday night and arrived here around 9 am ... and at 6 am Friday morning I was dropping him off at the the airport again. Wednesday was dedicated to ... ahem ... reunioning, and then Duke Gardens. He was so tired that after coffee and dinner, we went home and straight to bed. Thursday, being a rainy day, was spent hanging around the house, watching a DVD, and restringing my guitar (he insisted). A yummy dinner at Spartacus (mmmmm ... lobster ravioli) and it was an early night again.

Not much more to report - this weekend has mainly been spent getting back on track with cooking healthy food and exercising. Somewhere in preparing for Paul's visit I lost my healthy habits motivation, so I needed a little attitude adjustment. A relaxing evening Saturday night with Matt and zavyn , then barely leaving my house today, but it was a much-needed hibernation (and I'm not even a bear). Oh, and I still haven't made it to the food bank - so I'm driving around with 60 pounds of food in the trunk of my car. Will post pics when I make my delivery.

Hey guys who frequent Bear Coffees at BSC ... don't forget that your local annoying faghag will be dropping in on Wednesday to pick up any food you'd like to donate to the Food Bank. I'm at 49 lbs. lost and counting, so any day now I'll be ready to take 50 lbs. (or more) of collected food items to the Food Bank in celebration. Another reminder of their most needed items so you can search your pantry!

Meanwhile, a few other updates ... my trip up to NYC was lots and lots of fun! I got to meet my dear friend Bruce in person for the very first time. So odd, since we talk almost every day. But we had a great weekend hanging out together, and we loved seeing Li'Nard at Club Groove in Greenwich Village on Saturday night so much, we trekked back into the city (from Long Island) again Sunday night to see him again. That guy does things to an electric bass I've NEVER seen before - he's a truly great musician and he surrounds himself with amazing people. The rest of my time at Bruce's was mainly spent lounging around, with the two of us complaining that we're too old to stay out until 5 am any more. I ate too much food and drank too much beer, but hey - I don't get a free weekend in NYC all that often.

Last week was kind of hectic, trying to catch up on work after being away. By Friday I was ready to relax, so I took it easy all day. Had a leisurely lunch with a friend and then went to an Easter musical at Mt. Vernon Baptist downtown, with zavyn and Matt. Saturday was also very laidback, but with the beautiful spring weather and everything blooming I couldn't resist taking some pictures around my little neighborhood of everything in bloom (click on the pic to the right for some highlights). My sweetie Paul couldn't make it this weekend (frown) but hopefully he'll be here next weekend for a short visit. I can't wait to take him to Duke Gardens ... and other stuff. :-)

I'm headed up to NYC this weekend to visit a friend. We're planning to go to the Village on Saturday night to hear this funk band he's raving about - called Li'Nard's Many Moods. What a name, huh? Anyway, it's all new to me, so I'm really looking forward to seeing the city through a New Yorker's eyes. Woo hoo!

Oh, and I'm sorry if anyone brought Food Bank donations to Bear coffee - I had to work late and didn't make it. I'll definitely be there next week, though. I'll post a reminder and an update on my NYC adventures next week!

Healthy eating and exercise continues to go well - 47 pounds shed, and counting. I'm hoping to reach my 50-pound milestone by Easter Sunday, if not before. I'm traveling to NY to visit a friend next weekend, so it's difficult to say whether I will stay on track for those 3 days - it's not easy when you're staying with someone else! Also my sweetie is coming to town Easter weekend, so no doubt I'll slack a bit while he's here. (But I wanna look nice in that CUTE Easter dress I bought!)

Meanwhile, I'm still making plans to amass 50 pounds of food to give to the Food Bank of Central & Eastern NC in celebration of my upcoming milestone. So here's my reminder and renewed request for my local LJ friends ... if you have items in your pantry that you can part with, or if you can spend a couple extra bucks next time you're at Harris Teeter, please let me know and I'll pick up your stuff - OR just bring them to the BSC coffee. I'll drop in tomorrow and next Wednesday as well to pick up any items you've brought (don't worry, I won't stay and crash the bear party).

The Food Bank provides over 2.7 million pounds of food every month to non-profit programs like shelters, nutrition programs for the elderly, and emergency feeding programs (if you think you'll never benefit from a food bank, consider that the FBCENC distributed 1 million pounds of emergency food to victims of Hurricane Fran, and considerably more than that to victims of Hurricane Floyd). I know 50 pounds doesn't seem like a lot compared to these numbers, but it all adds up. Thanks for supporting them - and me!

Well, in two days I'll celebrate 5 months of healthy eating. It's been a total lifestyle change, really - completely revamping my eating habits, my exercise habits (i.e., getting some), and my attitudes about my health and my body. And it's yielded results - 46 pounds of them, so far. I'm pretty happy with that, and I plan to keep going. Meanwhile, in a couple weeks or so, I expect to hit the 50-pound milestone. What better way to celebrate it than to help out others who don't have the resources to eat healthful foods - or perhaps, enough food at all?

That's why, upon the occasion of losing 50 pounds, I'm going to donate 50 pounds to the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina. And you can help! Take a look at their list of most needed items and pick an item or several that you'd like to contribute to the cause. It may be something that's already sitting in your pantry. and it may not even be food per se - they need things like toothpaste and paper towels, too. I'll stop by coffee at BSC the next couple weeks and pick up anything you bring, or pick items up from you at some other time if you let me know. (By the way, if you're not a local LJ friend, please consider making a donation where you are. You can donate online or find local food banks at secondharvest.org.)

I'm also considering walking in the Great Human Race 5K March 29th, if anyone would like to join me (if my sweetie comes for a visit that weekend, I might not make it - I'll know more in a few days). Proceeds from the GHR go to local Durham nonprofits, including the Food Bank. Just drop me a line if you're interested - we'll make it a party!

Everybody else is doing it, so now I'm curious to see how many places I've slept in 2007! I did travel a lot this year. Here goes:

Durham, NC
Duarte, CA
Concord, CA
Phoenix, AZ
Washington, DC (a terrible night on a row of chairs in the airport, ugh)
Midlothian, VA
Topsail Island, NC
Lexington, TN
Tunica, MS
Las Vegas, NV
Atlantic Beach, NC
Carolina Beach, NC
Fish Camp, CA
Fort Mill, SC
Nashville, TN

... and if sleeping on airplanes counts, add in most of the midwest while crossing the continent multiple times.

This may be the kind of blog post that just annoys people. I know when I'm plodding along in my normal rut or, worse, struggling with things that other people don't seem to be troubled with, I get downright exasperated with reading about how spectacularly someone else's life is going. But I just gotta shout it out, people. Today I am overwhelmed by gratitude. Here are a few things I am grateful for today:

• That I have finally, after all these years, found a healthier lifestyle that I can love and feel comfortable with as my very own. No quick-fixes or temporary solutions - a permanent transformation. I know it's right for me, because I feel so at home with it and yet the weight is just falling off - 32 pounds so far, in just over 3 months.
• That I have been blessed again with a man who truly cares for me. I don't know what the future holds, and that's just fine. But I do know what the past was like (thank goodness most of you didn't have to suffer through that with me) - and this is a vast improvement.
• That I have dear friends and family who have supported me through some of my darkest days, and who cheer me on now that the clouds have lifted. How could I have survived otherwise? How could I enjoy what's happening now as much?
• That I have a never-ending hunger to search out the answers to life's questions, in every realm I can touch. I'm as grateful for anthropology as I am for a certain little pentecostal church, as blessed by late-night conversations with friends as I am by research and journal articles. I hope that hunger never dies - and I plan to keep feeding it.

There were times in the not-so-distant past when I never thought I'd shed tears of joy (the ones I'm shedding right now) over the tremendous blessings in my life, when I thought the struggle against the tide of sadness and loneliness would never end. I hoped for this day, but I couldn't see it. Now it's here, and I'm almost surprised to find that it's been here for a while, quietly waiting for me to notice - and to be grateful.

So today I give thanks.

What Marsha Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

Oh, come now ... "you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way"? "You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak"? My goodness, I sound like Attilla the Hun. Now, "you have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know" ... THAT I can believe. Vicarious shopping IS my favorite hobby. ;-)

I rarely ever re-post somebody else's words verbatim, but this is among the most inspiring thoughts I've read in a while on the times in which we live and the people we are called to be. (I particularly like the last section, on "fundamentalism.") This text can currently be found on the front page of Rob Breszny's wonderful Free Will Astrology site, but since he frequently changes the content there, I wanted to re-post it here for my friends (and for myself, to remind me when I forget). Enjoy.

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LIBERATE YOUR IMAGINATION by Rob Breszny
(The following piece is adapted from my book PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.)


Let me remind you who you really are: You are one of the chosen ones. You're a luminous being. A primordial miracle. A resplendent avatar. You are a deity in disguise--not a Buddha or a Christ, but of the same lineage and made from the same mojo.

I want to be sure you get what I'm saying. You're an immortal messiah. You have been around since the beginning of time and will be here after the end. Every day and in every way, you're getting better at playing the mysterious master game we all dreamed up together before the Big Bang bloomed.

Let me put it another way. You're a rebel creator longing to make the whole universe your home and sanctuary. You are a dissident bodhisattva joyfully struggling to germinate the seeds of divine love that are packed inside every moment.

It's time to remember. ( (Read the rest here ...) )

As 2007 winds down, I'm thankful for many good friends and many good memories made this year. (Thanks, Paul and Dell, for a great time at the most recent gathering!) Lots of transitions were happening this year - and many of them will continue into 2008. I left my church, but I'm enjoying discovering the variety that's out there every Sunday morning. I was dating the same guy at the end of 2007 that I'm dating now - but our relationship has grown in wonderful ways. I don't look very different than I did a year ago, but the healthier lifestyle I took on a few months ago has made big differences in my life and body, differences that will show outwardly more and more over the next year. It's been a good year; a much happier year in many ways than several that preceded it. And for the first time in many years, I can honestly say that I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

That said, I also can't wait to spend a fun New Year's Eve with most of you guys. Don't let the rain keep you at home - I'm ready to celebrate the good things to come! Oh, and this lolcat has nothing to do with New Year's, but I luff him.
 

It's that time of year again - time for the Christmas visit to the folks in Tennessee. I am traditionally the "designated kid" at Christmastime at my parents' house. Everybody else has kids of their own, so their holiday visits - when they happen - are usually whirlwind events. Not so for me - it's one time of year when no one at the university questions an absence of a week or two, so I usually make it a long stay. We play cards, watch a lot of TV, my mom gets to ask me incessant questions - you know the drill.

Highlight of Christmas this year: my dad was unusually clairvoyant and asked if I'd like an MP3 player for my Christmas gift. My mom was fixated on clothes for me, but I have a closet-full - in sizes ranging from way too big to way too small - and it's just silly to buy any more right now. So I had the good fortune of getting to pick out what adorable toy I'd have under the tree this year! This was my pick - the Creative Zen V Plus 4GB. I don't need a huge capacity - I love listening to music on my laptop, and I have lots, but what I really need in an MP3 player right now is something quite small that I can travel with and that I can exercise with. And of course my folks don't have piles of cash to spend, so this was a terrific choice. I was pretty impressed, too, that the CNET editors chose this inexpensive little player as one of their top 5 MP3 players of any size or price. And ... yay me!!!! It came in today! I have been having a blast loading it up with songs and making playlists.

OK, that's all the news so far ... I'm on dialup out here in the country, so I can't check in too often. But I'm thinking of my friends back home and hoping that you all have merry Christmases, happy Yules, and whatnot ... and of course I hope I get to ring in the new year with all of you!

(from the Chicago Tribune, 12/9/07)

•20 billion—Pieces of mail the U.S. Postal Service estimates it will deliver between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, a significant share of those being Christmas-related cards or packages.

•275 million—The number of cards and letters the service predicts will be mailed on Dec. 17, the season's projected busiest day this year.

•82 million—Per day number of pieces of mail moved by the service in average daily volume of mail any other time of the year.

•700,000—Postal employees required to handle the Christmas letter-delivery task, along with an armada of more than 200,000 trucks and a 30 percent increase in air cargo transport.

 

On a related, funnier, and slightly more tasteless note, some of you brave souls might want to try this month's "Vanities Dare" from Vanity Fair: The Department-Store-Santa-Claus dare. I'm not that brave ... but just imagining these dares made my Christmas a little funnier.

 

Fair warning to the reader ... if you're looking for humor, go back a couple entries. Uplift, back three or so. This one is a lament.

Long distance relationships are strange and difficult things. I can predict the roller coaster ride now, but that doesn't make it less of a ride. Excitement builds up to the visit (him here or me there). Tension, too - if he's coming here I have to clean and prepare and clear out my schedule, and if I'm going there I have to pack and plan and clear out my schedule. Anticipation builds; nothing seems so important as just *getting there*.

Then the first loop-de-loop: the arrival. It's exciting, but just after the first flush I nearly always have a moment when I look at him and wonder why I'm there. The reality of being with him, wonderful as he is, never quite lives up to the fairy tale I've invented. I've learned to ignore this bit, shove it aside, but there it is.

Being with him, I get very comfy very fast. I settle in and find myself adapting to his routine, his preferences. This disturbs me a bit, since they don't always match my own. This over-adaptability has some health consequences, too, since I tend to eat richer food, drink more, and even smoke now and then around him. Saving grace (diet-wise) for this most recent visit: money was a little tighter than usual, so I planned and cooked dinners at home rather than being taken out for indulgent meals every night.

Then comes the goodbye. This is not a moment or a single event; instead, it comes on slowly, making the day before my flight home a bittersweet one. We both know it's coming, but we speak of it little. We sit on the patio and look at the stars. We start talking about the next visit. Then, the next morning, we make the long, sad trek to the airport. If I'm the one visiting, I spend most of a day traveling home. While it's exhausting, it's better in many ways than being the one who leaves the airport and drives home to an empty house.

But once I'm home again, it takes a couple of days to return to "normal." I blamed my black mood today on the exhaustion of travel, but at least as much at fault is that last big descent on the rollercoaster - the one that musses your hair, makes your stomach woozy, and then dumps you off right back where you started. At that point, you can choose to get in line to do it all over again, or you can try to clear your head and go do something more sensible, like get a lemonade and visit the petting zoo. Either way, it's a while before that light-headedness goes away, before you stop feeling wobbly and seasick.

I guess I'll get back in line now.

After a long day of travel, I'm finally home again. Boy, am I wiped out. On the way back, I purposely didn't worry about "looking nice," which spared me some of the more convoluted troubles of my trip out (entertaining though they may have been). Boy, is it (relatively) easy to fly standby the first week of December! Planes taking off half-empty all over the place; it's a standby's dream.

My only real concern was how I was going to get home from the airport without calling an overpriced taxi. My usual kind RDU chauffeur, mstutts, was unavailable, as was my second-string, Bobby (of East Campus Grill on Markham, for those of you who recall visiting it after the Pride parade). So I started putting out other feelers, leaving messages for my friends Rebecca and curtimack the day before I was to leave.

The last night with my darling Paul is always bittersweet, as anyone in a long-distance relationship can attest. We had a lovely dinner out (diet? what diet?), and went to see "No Country for Old Men," which was a pretty stunning flick. But every hug and hand-holding is a little tighter, every kiss a little more tender, every sweet nothing a little more poignant, when you know you'll be apart very soon.

I made sure to put on eye makeup before we left for the airport the next morning, so I'd work a little harder to keep from crying (shallow, I know, but it worked). I was getting all geared up for the goodbye hug as he pulled up to the terminal curb, behind another pickup truck where a slender blonde was dropping off her boyfriend, when Paul saw her and said, "Hey, that's Jana! Hey Jana! You wanna meet my friend Jana? She's a big fan of one of the bands I play in!" I took a deep breath and said, "Sure!" in my fake-cheeriest voice. I watched her hug her boyfriend and close the tailgate on her pickup as he wheeled his luggage toward the door, and then I got out and looked around for Paul. He was around back, getting my suitcase out. "Don't you want to say hi to your friend?" I asked, but he had clearly thought better of it. "Eh, I see her all the time, no big deal," he shrugged. Good man.

I won't go into the details of waiting through my extra-special security treatment (for which I am "selected" every time I fly on Paul's employee companion pass). The energetic 20-something TSA guy who was handling the bin with my laptop did get a raised eyebrow when he plopped it down on the floor like a stack of papers. He saw my look and said, "Oh, sorry, that wasn't cool." Mm-hmm.

The flight to Chicago was uneventful (and by this time I had talked to curtimack and we had arranged an airport pickup and a nice dinner in thanks). During the flight, they announced gate connections, and I made a mental note that I'd need to take that handy shuttle from concourse C, where we were landing, to concourse F, where my next flight would be. Which I promptly did upon landing ... before I read the departure board to discover that my RDU flight was now back on concourse C. Sheesh, back on the shuttle. (Did I mention it was snowy and cold in Chicago?) But I was there in plenty of time, and ready to get home. However, after I settled into my comfy first-class seat on the flight that should have taken me home to NC, the pilot made a startling announcement ... the engine would not START. Well, that's just not good. From experience I knew this would mean hours. (I was right.)

We were "de-planed." We were told that they'd found a new plane for us, conveniently located on concourse F (hellooo, shuttle!). A planeload full of people rushed to gate F3, only to discover that our flight had now been cancelled, and they were re-booking us all on other flights. I called curtimack and let him off airport duty (thanks anyway babydoll!), knowing that if I was lucky enough not to have to stay in Chicago overnight, I'd certainly be very late arriving home. Another call to Rebecca, who had been unavailable at 7pm (my original arrival time) but would most likely be free later.

A lone beleaguered airline agent worked her way through re-booking a crowd of disgruntled passengers, of which I was one of the last. Now, as a standby, I knew I'd be at the very bottom of the re-booked list, so I was relieved to hear that there were plenty of seats available, and even got cheeky enough to ask her if she could find a seat with no one beside me. What a peach ... she did it. Of course, the new flight was - guess where? - back on concourse C. Shuttle ride number 4! A savvy passenger ahead of me in line had requested food vouchers for himself and all his fellow hungry travelers who were being delayed about 4 hours, so when I made it back to gate C1 I actually got to relax and eat a meal before boarding a working aircraft. (I also patted myself on the back for bypassing the McD's in favor of a "Chili's To Go" salad.)

No first-class seat for me this time around, but a pair of coach seats to myself was pretty nice. I crocheted until all the yarn was gone, and mused about what fun Paul and I would have when he visited in January for my birthday. Rebecca came through with an airport pickup (although mstutts insists he would have driven home from Greensboro early if I'd needed it - that's my buddy!), and I was home before midnight, exhausted but at least able to sleep in my own bed.

I arrived in San Francisco yesterday. The flights themselves were low-stress; after Thanksgiving and well before Christmas, airplanes are half-empty. But traveling long-distance (and especially flying standby, which I do whenever I come out here) is always a little nerve-wracking. Never enough sleep the night before, always last-minute worries about forgetting to pack something, making connections, looking nice when I get there (for my sweetie; he'd forgive me if I didn't but I hate to show up grungy).

( This time 'looking nice when I got there' was a particular pain in the rear. Read on ... )

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.



True enough ... I heard last night that 1 of 8 couples married last year met through the internet. Just imagine what those numbers would be if they included same-sex couples!